THE MAN WHO SAVED THE WORLD
Six-page one-off comic script.
Written by David Tulloch
Outside shot of a bar in the middle of Nowhere.
An old man being served a drink by a bartender. The old man starts to light up a cigarette. make sure there's a no smoking sign in the bar somewhere.
Bartender: "Hey, Pops, there's no smoking in here."
The old man pauses, not quite lighting his cigarette.
Old man: "You should show more respect, Sonny..."
"Don't you know ... I'm THE MAN WHO SAVED THE WORLD."
TITLES ... the main title can be the speech bubble from the old man with large words for the title bit.
Old man: "I'll tell you a story, sonny, and then you'll let me have my smoke."
Bartender "I'll listen, gramps. It's a slow day. But it's no smoking in here."
Old man: "We'll see ... Back in the day I worked for the government. Nothing special..."
[ "... just one of the people that stayed near the president." ]
Younger version of the man in a suit, next to the president.
[ "I carried the suitcase sometimes. Yeah, THE suitcase." ]
Carrying the suitcase with the button, handcuffed to his wrist.
[ "Although mostly I just told him how his hair was, if his shirt was untucked, or if was time for lunch." ]
The suited man holding up a mirror for the president to pose at.
[ "I was with him when the aliens showed up." ]
A flying saucer over the White House.
Nine panel 3x3 page.
Back in the bar.
Bartender: "Aliens?! You're crazy, old man. There are no aliens.
[ "Oh, there's aliens alright. Ugly, smelly sons of slime balls with tentacles and death rays." ]
A suitable alien.
Bartender: "Sure, ya old coot ... and the government hushed it up, right. Ha!"
Old man: "Of course. You think the president would admit he surrendered Earth to the aliens?"
Old man: "But he didn't really have a choice. Not after they'd blown up Sheboygan."
Bartender: "Now I know you're crazy ... I've got an aunt in Sheboygan.
Old man: "Seen her recently?
Bartender: "Actually, ... no."
Bartender: "But people would notice if Sheboygan was blown up!"
Old man: "You sure, Sonny?"
[ "The surrender ceremony was long and boring ... ]
One larger panel across, then three smaller panels below.
[ "Speeches about the nobility of surrender, and how hard humans would work in the galactic slave mines for their new overlords." ]
Formal speeches on the mothership with aliens and humans.
[ " ... and all very nerve wracking. One diplomatic mistake and they could destroy the planet." ]
[ "So I did what I always do when I'm nervous ... " ]
The suited man sneaking out.
[ "I went somewhere quiet and had a smoke." ]
Being discovered by an alien with a ray gun.
Alien: "Halt, earthling! What device do you have there."
Another nine panel, 3x3 page.
Suited man: "It's just a cigarette."
Alien: "Is it some kind of weapon?
Suited man: "No, it's a cigarette, a smoke. It's a ..., well, it relaxes me."
Alien: "Oh ... "
Alien: "... can I have one?"
[ "It turned out the aliens were just as on edge as we were..." ]
Offering the alien a cigarette ...
[ "Apparently the last time they'd taken over a planet someone hit the wrong button... " ]
... lighting the cigarette for the alien.
[ "... and instead of balloons and streamers falling from the ceiling they'd incinerated all the foreign dignitaries." ]
Sharing a joke while smoking together.
[ "It also turned out the aliens loved cigarettes... ]
Other aliens also taking cigarettes from the suited man.
[ "Seems the Ammonia, Benzene, Carbon Monoxide and other garbage in smokes was like fresh air for them." ]
Several aliens smoking.
[ "Reminds me of a summer breeze on the old home world, one of them told me." ]
The suited man talking friendly-like with the aliens while smoking.
[ "So they tore up the surrender treaty and we signed a trade deal instead." ]
Alien and human shaking hands formally after signing deal.
[ That's when governments all started banning smoking everywhere ... to reduce the earthly demand..." ]
The no smoking sign in the bar.
Back in the bar, the old man talking to the bartender.
"Why else would politicians do something as unpopular as telling people not to smoke? They gave up all that tax as well, just to meet the demand from the aliens."
The old man getting ready to light his cigarette.
Old man: "Anyhow, that's how I saved the world... so can I have my smoke now, Sonny?"
Bartender: "Um, sure, mister. Maybe I should have one of those as well.
Old man: "Oh no, sonny boy, these'll kill you ..."
Old man smiling a smokey smile.
Old man: "... just not as fast as a death ray."